Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Can't stop hating myself. Can't stop feeling so alone. Can't stop feeling like such a disappointment. Can't stop feeling suicidal. Need to cut so badly but then I'll disappointment my mum more. I just can't do it, I can't get better. Maybe it's because I'm used to feeling so negative, maybe it's because I'm used to being like this. I just can't get close to anyone, not that I feel I have anyone but all I know what to do is push people away because I know I'm not good enough for them. Because I'm used to hating, hating me and people around me. Because I'm too much of a messed up bad person to be liked by someone. Because I'm not worthwhile enough. Because I'm so selfish and self centered and only thinking about how I feel. I just can't do it, I just can't do it anymore. I'm breaking more and more and I just can't keep with it anymore. I can't keep trying to hold on when it feels like I've got nothing to hold on to. I can't keep pretending that I'm strong and trying to get on and pretending things are getting better when they're really not. All I do know is I'd do anything to be another person, to be someone who's good enough, who's beautiful, who's worthwhile, who's nice, who's a good person, any person that isn't me. Even with this amount of help I'm being selfish. I'm not trying enough, I never try hard enough because I'm useless. Useless and worthless. I can't do anything right. I'm a disappointment, a worthless ugly piece of shit.
I'm letting this depression take over completely but who gives a shit because what's the point in fighting back? I've tried fighting back all these years and what good has come ouf of it? Exactly, nothing. Life doesn't have a purpose, not for the unhappy ones. I don't feel like a 14 year old teenage girl, just feel like a scared little girl, alone in a world where nothing feels right. Feel so weak, so weak and tired.but remember,i still love my mum.i love you and thank you so much


nbk said...

awat ni?

shafiq shukri said...


sashakins said...

hey aifa, life has its ups and downs. U just happen to be at the down side, dont say all that okay? Confessing is another way of making it worse :O you kno all your friends love you and and we would never think of you as a selfish,ignorant person. And i must say u never fail to make me laugh. Cheerious :)

Afaf (: said...

tudea bi cekanggg.

u just can't get close to anyone?