Tuesday, June 23, 2009

disappointment

Can't stop hating myself. Can't stop feeling so alone. Can't stop feeling like such a disappointment. Can't stop feeling suicidal. Need to cut so badly but then I'll disappointment my mum more. I just can't do it, I can't get better. Maybe it's because I'm used to feeling so negative, maybe it's because I'm used to being like this. I just can't get close to anyone, not that I feel I have anyone but all I know what to do is push people away because I know I'm not good enough for them. Because I'm used to hating, hating me and people around me. Because I'm too much of a messed up bad person to be liked by someone. Because I'm not worthwhile enough. Because I'm so selfish and self centered and only thinking about how I feel. I just can't do it, I just can't do it anymore. I'm breaking more and more and I just can't keep with it anymore. I can't keep trying to hold on when it feels like I've got nothing to hold on to. I can't keep pretending that I'm strong and trying to get on and pretending things are getting better when they're really not. All I do know is I'd do anything to be another person, to be someone who's good enough, who's beautiful, who's worthwhile, who's nice, who's a good person, any person that isn't me. Even with this amount of help I'm being selfish. I'm not trying enough, I never try hard enough because I'm useless. Useless and worthless. I can't do anything right. I'm a disappointment, a worthless ugly piece of shit.
I HATE ME
I HATE ME
I HATE ME
I HATE ME
I'm letting this depression take over completely but who gives a shit because what's the point in fighting back? I've tried fighting back all these years and what good has come ouf of it? Exactly, nothing. Life doesn't have a purpose, not for the unhappy ones. I don't feel like a 14 year old teenage girl, just feel like a scared little girl, alone in a world where nothing feels right. Feel so weak, so weak and tired.but remember,i still love my mum.i love you and thank you so much

4 comments:

nbk said...

aifaa
awat ni?
;|

shafiq shukri said...

aifaa!

sashakins said...

hey aifa, life has its ups and downs. U just happen to be at the down side, dont say all that okay? Confessing is another way of making it worse :O you kno all your friends love you and and we would never think of you as a selfish,ignorant person. And i must say u never fail to make me laugh. Cheerious :)

Afaf (: said...

tudea bi cekanggg.

u just can't get close to anyone?
whyyy?