Thursday, November 30, 2017

Talk about writing

I realized that most of my blog posts were written during when I was sad, or broken-hearted, and basically anything related to miseries and woes. I re-read my posts and wow I sounded like someone who whined about how bad her life was all the time! Not something I am happy about.

Well, is this post going to be about happiness? I guess not. I also realized that I am more to expressing my thoughts and emotions in writing. Hence, blog posts every time I feel so.

Re-reading my posts, it is funny and nostalgic how every post that is about love/emotions and they are all about the same guy. I've been dealing with the same guy since 2011. That is amazing. Or sad? Because it seemed like my life has been revolving just all around this one same guy.

For every post that I wrote about sadness, I also want to emphasize that I experienced happiness too. Sadness, happiness, cries, laughter, love, family, friends. Everything. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences. The experience of knowing myself better. The experience of learning.

I learnt so much since the past 6 years. And now, I am learning too. Before I start writing up a lot more, allow me to write it here that it did not end up well. And this time, not the version of sappy, it-did-not-end-well-but-we-will-make-it-up-again, nor the wrong timing. It ended. And it ended for real. No more stories of us.

The moving on phase was rough. It was brutal. But I am grateful. I believe we both ended our relationship with wishes and prayers that we would get betterment in life. We never talked anymore. And we both have other people in our lives that we want to put our attention to. And I believe writing this blog post is not an act of I still have not moved on, but an act of I am growing up. A sense of maturity, maybe. A part of myself to embrace the departure and the part of me already acknowledging it.

One of the lessons I learnt about this, is definitely about my attitude. Not going to lie or finger pointing blaming the other party, I am admitting that the main reason of the breakup is because of my characters. So so glad because of the breakup, I learnt to put myself down again. I learn to be grateful. I learn to talk nicely to people again. Most importantly, my relationship with my mum is better than ever now. I love it.

I am so grateful that things that happened actually if not revert, maybe changed me to be a little bit better. Haha. Maybe. I am more at ease now. More relaxed, more peaceful with myself. I constantly found myself not to be grateful before this. Always wanting things higher and better than other people. Right now, I feel contented. I am happy with what I have right now. I am focusing on what I have right now and surprisingly, I do not feel I should compete with other people. Aaaaaah, that huge feeling of peacefulness.

I am so happy with my current state of emotions right now. And I really hope it would stay that way. I don't hold grudges nor wanting bad things to happen to people. Really. I am enjoying life, and improving it to be better. It is something I feel like sharing. Hence, here. Finally a happy post!

Monday, October 19, 2015

Living life, in misery and woe.

Have you ever felt like screaming out loud, because who you showed people you are is not who you are.

Is life fair?
Can people really do what their hearts say?
Do people really get what they want if they work hard for it?

Tell yourself. Are you living the life? Are you living the dreams?

Are you tired of pretending?

Do you have something that you have been longing for, so close to get it but it slips away?

Is education the only way?

Woke up in tears, realising you are not where you supposed to be.

I don't believe in fate. But I believe in creating our own fate. Where did I do wrong?

Pretending to be strong isn't easy.... Sometimes you break down and cry.

Did I take it for granted? Time slips away, I wish I could do something to fix it.

I hate it. This isn't the life I am supposed to live. I know I deserve better. I know should be somewhere better.

Monday, October 06, 2014

My Harry Potter marathon.

How do I start this?! After some time of not writing, I would like to apologize to (if there is) anyone who has been stalking / reading some of my updates in my blog. And for writing my posts in English (which wasn't the case for several years ago). Life's good, it hasn't been hard nor easy, but enjoying the ups and downs of it would be the only way to carry on with life.

Anyway, I am sure everyone of you know Harry Potter. Well as for me, I first saw the first movie when I was (not mistakenly) at the age of 8, it was when my dad bought a pirated CD of it :P I liked the idea, and was dreaming to go to the magical school of Hogwarts. Pretty sure I had a little crush on Daniel Radcliffe, as he was this one chosen boy and the main character of Harry Potter series (and which I am sure most girls experienced this too)

Somehow, as someone who do not have a long lasting passion, I had never watched the series anymore until my best friend (who had been keeping up with Harry Potter since movie 1) told me to go with her for the second movie of Deadly Hallows, as it appeared to be the last movie of the series. I didn't even know the villain that they needed to fight's name is Voldemort, but I continued watching with the help of my own guesses to complete the movie in my own sense. After the movie ended, I never watched the movie anymore. I finished my school, went for the student exchange program, came back and continued my studies in A Level in Shah Alam and in my second semester, I decided to watch the Harry Potter movies.

Taken from a friend of mine, I started to watch. However it didn't seem to be my cup of tea. I finished all of the movies, but with little understanding of the whole story they were trying to deliver.

                                            a picture of Oliver Wood, the Quidditch captain of Gryffindor, for being undeniably cute.

The Harry Potter marathon started last week on Wednesday (1/10/2014) after I finished my second semeter's trials. I hanged out with a bunch of friends of mine, and we talked about Harry Potter that SEEMED SO ATTRACTIVE TO MY EARS EMERGERD I HEVVV TU WACCIT EGEEINN.

5  days later, I finished the movie marathon with many questions about the series. The movie itself didn't seem complete to me, as it leaves few unanswered questions. For example ;
1) Why did Voldemort attack James and Lily Potter? This wasn't told in the movie. The movie started with Harry being sent to the Dursleys.
2) How did Peter Pettigrew die? I saw him got knocked out by Dobbie the free elf in the Deadly Hallows 2 but in the movie, he didn't die. He wasn't even there during the second wizarding war.
3) Why did Voldemort want to get rid of the muggles and mudbloods so much
4) How did Tom Riddle find out that he was the heir of Slytherin
6) Is Bellatrix related to Sirius? I don't really get the Black's family tree.
7) Didn't Trelawney die during the first scene of the Deadly Hallows because Voldemort's snake ate her? However I found her being alive and was helping with the injured during the last scene after Hogwarts was attacked.
8) How many children do the Weasley couple have and are they related to the Blacks lol wtf this is so confusing
9) Dumbledore -  why didn't he told about himself more to Harry.
10) Why do Snape's and Lily's patronus charms are the same - doe?
11) Why dooooo the dementorsssss listen to voldemort arent they the prison's guards or something zz
12) About the after movie - what happened to Hermoine Granger's parents? She used the obliviate spell on them to make them forget about her and went to fight with voldemort. After the war ended, did she undo the spell
13) how did harry potter come back to live i thought he was dead after voldemort used avada kadavra -,- jumpa dumbledore hang hidup teruih padia xpaham aku
14) How come the harry becomes the hocrux i thought hocrux is only for the unliving things after you killed someone
15) Snape became the headmaster after he killed Dumbledore, does this mean the previous headmaster was killed by Dumbledore? D:

After having so many questions and bugging my friends with them, I decided to start reading the book. I am currently reading the order of the Pheonix as most of my confusions start there and that's the only Harry Potter book I have lol. Anyone who has the explanation and is willing to explain, do tell me the reasons! :D

Seriously, what have I been missing all these years? Harry Potter is simply...genius

pictures of Matthew Lewis who played as Neville Longbottom and who is gorgeous(!!) and survived his puberty magically to end this post.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Hi guys. My fight is over. The thing I have been fighting for more than two years shall now be buried, and to never be found back. I don't know what to feel, this uncertainty feeling is not something I think I can describe.. it feels heavy inside, but I can breathe freely now.  I wanna learn and see new things, to see my future and holding on to my past as my guide.. I am thankful for this feeling, the times we spent, the journey we went together, and how grown up I am now compares to the first time we know each other. I am thankful for my past experiences, those are what make me, myself today. I am thankful for the love, I learnt how to be in it. I am thankful for the pain, I learnt how to be stronger. Most importantly, I am grateful for all the things that I have been through. Now, time to wait and see what the future holds. Thank you! #grateful


Let's bury our story and pretend like it has never happened.


Monday, May 27, 2013

29 days from now on

I will be heading back to Washington DC, attend the Post-departure Camp for 4 days and heading back to Malaysia.

Everything here I have achieved really shows me how much I've grown, I mean, back in Malaysia I would have never figured that I would fly from Seattle to North Carolina to Washington DC just to attend JPA Interview in the Embassy Of Malaysia. And went to New York City by bus with my other 2 friends.

Thinking back about my past, a year ago during this time I would   never imagine that I would have the opportunity to attend prom (and my prom partner is my crush here) and most importantly, that I would have the courage to ask him to go with me. (It's normal here for girls to ask boys)

2 days ago, I received the letter from AFS Malaysia about my flight itinerary and I cried in the car next to my host dad saying "I don't know when am I meeting you guys again"  and he said that we definitely meet each other again. Then he bought me ice-cream so that I could calm myself again.

Priceless. Every moment here is too diamonic that nobody can ever buy all of it using cash. Nope.

5.51 am, May 27 2013 (it's still Spring tho)